We recently asked older adults of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the biggest differences between wedding rules, traditions, and etiquette today vs. when they were younger. Here are the fascinating results:
1."Wedding cake in the past wasn't meant to be eaten at the party, at least in the '80s. It was a yucky fruit cake. The cake cut by newlyweds was just a fake styrofoam cake for show (except for the top tier). So, the fruit cake was pre-cut and wrapped for you to take home as a guest."
"Apparently, you were supposed to take it, put it under your pillow, and dream of your future spouse?! Even as a kid, I didn't get it. So, I tried to eat it, but it tasted terrible anyway — dry and full of currants, etc. (Oh, BTW, the top tier was meant to be saved to be eaten on the couple's first anniversary. Yuck.)."
—51, Canada
2."We didn't have red flowers because when photos were black and white, it would look like the flowers were black."
3."Are thank-you notes a thing of the past? Out of four cash gifts we sent over the past few years, we received only one written thank-you. I have spoken to several friends about this, and they have all experienced the same trend. Not sending a thank you for a wedding gift is just downright disrespectful."
"I agree. Two of the last three wedding gifts I sent went unacknowledged. When I married in 1999, I spent at least a week writing handwritten thank-you notes for each wedding gift, describing in detail the gift sent and how we would use it in our married life. Today, even an email would be welcome. I don't mean to patronize, but I know that people like any type of thank-you note!"
4."I remember weddings in the '80s where the best man would read aloud a 'telegram' from people who couldn't be there. It could be a European thing, but it's definitely an 'old' thing."
5."It was considered rude to ask for money as a gift. They had bridal purses to conceal checks and cash, but the couple never asked for it. Now, you have people listing GoFundMe accounts for their honeymoon. My mom recently went to a wedding where there was a QR code card linked to the bride's Venmo on every table."
"I still find it terribly tacky personally, but I also don't mind giving money as it negates the need for shopping. It's the begging that makes me cringe."
"Straight-up begging for money in your wedding invitation. I can't tell you how many wedding invitations I've recently gotten with an insert asking for cash. The last one even included a weird poem written in iambic pentameter asking for money. I get it; weddings are expensive, but the answer isn't having your guests pay for it."
6."I remember my grandma had all these strange superstitions, like bridesmaids should never be dressed in green as it's the color of mold/decay. Another one was that you had to sleep with a piece of your wedding cake under your pillow."
"All harmless. Miss you, Nanna."
7."I design wedding invitations and used to have a brick-and-mortar store that opened in 2008. In the beginning, everything was still pretty traditional: floral designs, formal looks, people following wedding traditions because it's what people did for, like, 150 years. Over the years, things have shifted so much. Weddings have become more and more a reflection of the couple."
"I still have plenty of traditional, formal designs, but my most popular designs are pop culture-inspired and all kinds of fun stuff. I love it!!! Your wedding should celebrate you!"
8."These were the customs in the Midwest where I grew up. In college, I learned from my friends that there were different customs in other parts of the country. During my childhood in the '60s, you invited your whole family, at least all the immediate aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, of course. All the other greats (aunts, uncles, etc.) were optional. Children were never excluded, and there was no dress code."
"Your parents invited some of their business partners and some neighbors. All in all, there might be 150 guests."
—70, Illinois
9."Wearing a black dress was equally as offensive as white, because it meant you were not supportive of the union and felt like it was a death in the family having lost the bride/groom to the union."
—31, Canada
10."Mints! What happened to mints? I never see them, but back in the day, they were a must. And they cost, like, $6 a dozen (probably $1 each in today's money), and you needed thousands. We couldn't afford that, so we made ours by hand."
11."People used to decorate the bridal parties' cars with flowers made from Kleenex (they used to be in different colors)."
12."Got married in 1989 when the trend was to wear pink wedding dresses and the groom would have his hair in a colored Mohawk."
—68, New Mexico
13."There may have been 'destination' weddings for the ridiculously wealthy, but destination engagement parties, bridal showers, and bachelorette parties didn’t happen. People had a little more consideration for their guests’ budgets."
—73, New York
"Destination weddings with multi-day itineraries — the time and expense ask is over-the-top. You're asking guests to take multiple days off work, shoulder the expense of long-range, multi-day travel, and multiple formal and semi-formal outfits for a multi-day 'celebration of your love.' Plus, multi-day bridal showers and engagement weekends? Get over yourself."
—55, California
14."Fifty years ago, in 1974, we never sent out save-the-date cards. We just let people know by actually talking to them."
"Also, my husband and I walked down the long church aisle together. I didn't want anyone 'giving me away.'"
15."I was never allowed to loosen my tie or remove my jacket unless the groom did it first. If the groom decided to keep things formal, you, as a guest, were also required to be formal. Only if the groom went informal by loosening or removing his tie or jacket were you allowed to follow suit."
—53, Ohio
16."Not so much a rule, but I miss getting a (guaranteed) slice of wedding cake at a wedding. Now, people do cupcakes, donuts, or any baked good that's not a traditional wedding cake. I get that wedding cakes are expensive, but I can get a cupcake at any bakery (I can't get a slice of wedding cake in the same way)."
17."The biggest difference between weddings now and those 20–30 years ago is that weddings were much more laid back. No one cared what you wore to a wedding — even if someone wore white. The expectation was that you dressed nicely. It wasn't a big deal because couples were just happy you came. If someone RSVP'd then couldn't make it, there wouldn't be any brides getting angry about it and posting it all over social media. Life happens. Nowadays, people get angry if a friend or family member gets married in the same year as them because it's 'their year.'"
"You have a wedding day, not a year. It wasn't a big deal if someone brought kids to a wedding. (That happened at mine, so we asked the DJ to play a few kids' songs for them and just rolled with it.) Bachelorette parties were a night and not a trip, and when people couldn't come, they weren't kicked out of the wedding or friend group. There are so many more rules today. The etiquette back then was to RSVP on time, dress up, be polite, and be grateful. These are things that the current wedding culture has pushed aside."
—52, USA
18."Gifts were opened at the reception, which was not quite so much of a party."
—66, Tennessee
19."As a little girl growing up in the traditional South, it was considered 'tacky' if the bridesmaid's shoes did not match the punch served at the reception. Who comes up with this stuff?"
—46, Georgia
20."I got married in the '80s in the UK. The norms were: Invites read something along the lines of 'Mr. and Mrs. (names of bride's parents) invite you to the wedding of their daughter X to Mr. Y;' the guests included parents, friends, and all family members; the bride, groom, and parents greeted the guests at the entrance to the reception; there was a full meal included; and there were no favors or gifts on the tables."
"Also, money was not asked for, and there was no bridal shower, but there was a single stag/hen night out, usually the night before the wedding — no weekend away with planned activities."
And finally...
21."I dont think it was a rule but more of a belief system. The wedding day was only the beginning of a lifetime. The day was less important than the days that followed. We were careful to make guests feel welcome and put our needs a little lower...to acknowledge the day wasn't all about you. We were also careful not to spend more than you can afford. We got married on under $500."
"We have good memories of the day, and we have been together for 38 years."
—59, Minnesota
Older adults, what are some other big differences between wedding trends, etiquette, and rules when you were younger vs. today? Let us know in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
